He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
