Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
