new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
