Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
