theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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