Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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