my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
