Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
