You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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