I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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