I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
