walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
