tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
