I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
