Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Randomize
