i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
