My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
