I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
