Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
