You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
