for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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