just come out here and I will go home with you...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
