I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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