If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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