If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
