so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
