I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
