I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
