I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
