I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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