I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
