he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
