My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
