Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
