Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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