I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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