I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sorry about my life...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
