When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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