I want to walk on stilts...naked
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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