I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
