Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
