I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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