So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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