Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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