The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
