LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
