I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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