Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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