apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize