Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
