On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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