at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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