the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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