I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
