Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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