all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
